Query Revisions

I've revised my query letter and in keeping with my promise to detail the entire process of attempting to get published, I'm posting it again. 

I'm actually including two versions this time.  The first is an edited copy of my original.  The second is a version that focuses on Lee's POV (Point of View).  A critiquer from another forum suggested this tact, so I'm giving it a try.  Let me know which one you like (if either) as well as any suggestions for improvements.

Query #1
Dear Ms. Agent,

Dianne Williams, the manager of Greenville’s largest Private Detective Agency, is desperate for answers. The investigators at her agency have been poisoned and now she’s stumbled across the badly beaten body of her newest investigator. But before she can begin the search for the person responsible, she must first ask for help from a most unlikely source.

Lee Hamilton is a human resource manager in a small southern town, but he was also once a knight. One of six close friends labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ in college twenty-five years ago; he’s shocked to learn that one of their group has just been savagely attacked. He immediately responds to Dianne’s beleaguered request for assistance by rallying the remaining knights to her aid.

Despite the dire circumstances, Lee and the knights see an opportunity to rekindle their adventurous past and escape the doldrums of everyday life. For Dianne, the amateur-sleuths are simply a means to an end. But along the way she forms a respect and friendship for the knights and soon worries about the danger her selfish vendetta has placed them in.

The group follows a trail of clues to Manassas Virginia and the horrific events surrounding a high school shooting and the suicidal boy whose final note claimed I’m not finished yet. When the massacre is connected to the troubles at her agency, as well as a string of other serious crimes, Dianne’s investigative abilities and the boundaries of the knight’s friendship are soon tested.

As the rag-tag group must scramble to avoid arrest by both the local police and FBI, the puzzle pieces slowly come together revealing a plot whose evil intent can only be matched by its scope. It all climaxes with the Dianne and the knights racing the clock to prevent the release of the largest bio-terrorism attack in U.S. history.

Fallen Knight is a 105,000 word Mystery/Thriller. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.

Query #2
Dear Ms. Agent,

Lee Hamilton is a middle-aged human resource manager in a small southern town, but he was also once a knight. One of six close friends labeled ‘The Knights Who Say Ni’ in college twenty-five years ago; he’s shocked to learn that one of their group has just been savagely attacked and left for dead. He immediately responds to a beleaguered request from the owner of the detective agency where their friend works by rallying the remaining knights to assist in the investigation.

Despite the dire circumstances, Lee and the knights see an opportunity to rekindle their adventurous past and escape the doldrums of everyday life. The group follows a trail of clues to Manassas Virginia and the horrific events surrounding a high school shooting and the suicidal boy whose final note claimed I’m not finished yet. When the massacre is connected to the troubles at the detective agency, as well as a string of other serious crimes, the boundaries of the knight’s friendship are put to the test.

As the rag-tag group must scramble to avoid arrest by both the local police and FBI, the puzzle pieces slowly come together. They reveal a plot whose evil intent can only be matched by its scope. It all climaxes with the knights racing the clock to prevent the release of the largest bio-terrorism attack in U.S. history.

Fallen Knight is a 105,000 word Mystery/Thriller. Thank you, Ms. Agent, for your consideration of this query. At your request, I will be happy to send along the complete manuscript.

Thanks everybody!