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That’s enough of the fine print…here we go!
Driving
Me Crazy
“Get off in Sandnes,”
she says.
The website for the Statens
Vegvesen, the Norwegian DPS, calls her a “test sensor.” I call her—this khaki-uniformed
woman who holds my vehicular fate in her hands—the Ice Queen. Queenie, for
short.
The ten minutes since I
pulled out of the Stavanger motor vehicle bureau have been chilly, and
nothing’s wrong with the sedan’s heat. Yep, it’s Queenie. You know the
type—pruny face, glacial eyes, and Grinchy heart.
I have fifty more
minutes to melt Queenie with my red-hot driving skills and snag that Norwegian
driver’s license. If I don’t--well, let’s not think about that.
I am piloting Queenie
smoothly, steadily, and moderately southeast on the motorway when she tells me
to exit in Sandnes. Seems to me Sandnes has four exits. Queenie’s going to have
to cough up more info. “Which Sandnes exit? This one?” I say, gesturing toward
the blue highway sign approaching us.
Then I reconsider.
Waving one hand around during a driving test—could look reckless. I slide it
back to the two o’clock position and act casual.
“Do you mean the Sandnes
sentrum exit?” I ask.
“Ja,” she says,
scribbling on her clipboard.
Not that rabbit
warren. Crap!
Downtown Sandnes is the
cutest for shopping, strolling on the brick-paved pedestrian mall lined with
boutiques. For driving, though, its criss-crossing streets are nothing but a
tangled mass of potential accidents. Cyclists and baby strollers and walkers
and parallel parkers and a bunch of fun-sized roundabouts—you follow me, don’t
you?
All the ex-pats here
have PTSD from the Sandnes-hell test portion. “I was clenching the steering
wheel and going about 10 miles an hour,” said Debbie, the runner from Colorado.
(Does she mean 10 kilometers an hour? I never can tell.)
Jana told me, “I was
trying to turn left, but I couldn’t get the green arrow. My shirt was sticking
to my back—sweat just streaming down, you know? And the test guy kept trying to
talk to me.” She’s from Houston, like me. She failed the test, like I’m
about to.
Since my family and I
moved to Norway in May, I’ve been coping with culture shock. It comes in
trickles sometimes, storm surges other times. When I’m on the Stavanger roads
and behind the wheel, it’s like I’m up to my neck in the deep, dark
fjord.
“Turn at the next
right,” says Queenie.
“By the apotek?”
I ask.
She brushes something
(probably fake) off her coat sleeve and exhales. “Is that the next right?”
Honestly, I don’t know.
As I’ve learned recently, the “next right” could be the drugstore. Also, it
could be a dead-end alley barely wider than a Gremlin. Reversing in such a
situation really gets your heart pumping.
In any case, I turn
right.
“Drive up the hill,”
says Queenie. “Continue straight on at the intersection.”
I approach. I
decelerate. Looks like I’ve reached the end of my ride.
#############################################################################
On the far side of the ring, we have Storyweaver who represents the Fantasy genre.
Leave your votes and critiques in the comments below. Again, be respectful of your remarks and try to point out positives as well as detractions.
Finally, in order to keep this contest going AND GROWING, I'm asking folks to donate to the cause on my Ko-fi account. Let me assure you, 100% of the donations will go towards the contest prizes for this year and next!
Congratulations for making it in, writers! Well done, both of you!
ReplyDeleteMIM:
This piece has a great voice. My biggest critique is that I have no concept of who the narrator is. Is it a middle-aged woman with kids at home? A crabby teenage boy? A retiree who resents having to take this driving test when he's been driving for fifty years? Without an idea of who's telling this story, it was difficult for me to connect with the narrator or care about what they're going through. What will happen if they fail the test? Why are the stakes so high? I also didn't understand the ending. With so much talk about the maze-like streets and difficult roundabouts in Sandnes, I don't understand why continuing straight through an intersection is the end of the road.
Storyweaver:
You also have a wonderful voice in this piece, and I love the concept. There are a couple of places where things could be tightened or clarified, though. For example, the following sentence is long and a bit clunky. You could break it up into a couple of sentences or remove some of the detail to clarify things:
Her heart swelled with pride every time she opened her specially designed pack, inside crisscrossed with layers of fabric to create a sleeve for each can, keeping them protected, and most importantly, quiet.
Again, congrats to both of you! Storyweaver gets my vote today.
Mim gets my vote today. I'm intrigued as to who this person is and why the driving test is so important, and most essentially, why they reached the end of the road at the end.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver, I enjoyed your piece too. Some lovely descriptions and a really neat concept. I just didn't connect with it quite as much as I did the other story today.
I really enjoyed both of these pieces and wish I could pick both. Alas, if I must choose, I'll go with Storyweaver as the story was so unexpected and fresh.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice and the world created by MM. My only critique is the abrupt ending.
MIM: This is cleanly written with a solid voice, but I don't have a clear image of the narrator, the stakes don't feel very high, and it just kind of fizzles out at the end.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver: There are more than 22 -ing words in this 500-word writing sample. (I overlooked a couple.) That's way too many. I recommend reworking this to eliminate a good chunk of them and paying attention to how often you use -ing words in your writing as you go forward. I suspect you'll find varying your sentence structure will give your writing better flow and rhythm, and thus pull the reader more fully into the magic. That said, I thought the concept of a magical graffiti preservationist was intriguing. I'm interested to see where the story goes.
Storyweaver has my vote.
Mim, I've never read a short story about a road test, so that's different and good. But I wasn't sure for most of it if the main character was a person or an AI car (KITT). I was kind of confused.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver has a fascinating concept. Graffiti art that can alter the landscape to a natural state? Turning a dystopia into a utopia? That's probably going to be the next wave of fiction.😌 It was a fun read and nice to picture. I'll give you my vote.
This one was tough, but MIM gets my vote. Loved the voice and humor. Haven't we all undergone such a test? Then to add navigating medieval streets in a foreign land/language? Who wouldn't sweat? Only concern -- the abrupt ending. Storyweaver -- loved the concept but the execution didn't grip me.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver has my vote.
ReplyDeleteMIM: I love the feel of the piece, the voice. I wanted it to be funnier, wittier or maybe deeper, reflecting something about life in general; you almost get there. I didn't quite follow the ending; it seemed abrupt and purposeless. It's clear you can write and have a great way of describing situations and bringing life to seemingly mundane interactions. Good job.
Storyweaver: I love the concept and the way that your piece slowly brings it alive...starting with a sense of magic, moving towards what seems like a routine graffiti artist, then bringing back the magic and giving it life and purpose. Beautifully done. Please edit ("he zipper" is clearly a typo that should not be missed). If you move into the next rounds, I would like to see more flexibility in your writing, such as having more than one character, adding some dialogue, showing more range.
Wow, these are both great pieces, this might be the toughest choice yet for me! I think I'm going to give my vote to MIM, but it was incredibly close.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver - I love how this picture comes to life, both within the confines of the story, but also in my mind's eye. You did a really great job of describing the scene, and I especially liked the idea that she's a preservationist because she's turning these city spaces back into nature, that was a neat touch. My biggest critique is that I would have liked more emotion and thoughts from Harriet, especially as she's creating this art. What does she feel as she's creating this piece that she knows is going to become reality in a few short days? It just seems like you missed an opportunity to insert some incredible voice and emotion into it.
MIM - voice comes through really strongly in this piece, and I really love how you managed to make it feel fresh even though it's a fairly common event, a driver's test. My main critique is with the ending. Not that I didn't like it - I thought the abrupt ending was actually quite good, however, I did feel like there might need to be more build to it. If the narrator thinks their ride is over, there should maybe be an indication in what Queenie says or does to indicate that's true. I also think there's a great opportunity to create a literary connection with this and make this "end of the ride" thing into a theme that says something deeper.
Mim -- The writing is strong. I also like the choice to focus on one incident and take us through it. I feel the fish-out-of-water fear of being an expat. The voice was strong, but it felt forced once. -- You follow me, don't you? -- and the parentheses around -- does she mean 10 km -- not necessary. You've got a voicey piece that's a bit rambling. Don't draw attention to it, just write. And the ending, you tell us the ride has come to an end, but nothing the instructor said signals that. It feels like she's just getting started. I would have loved a quick crisis, success or failure, park. Otherwise, good piece.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver -- We've seen a lot of fantasy, and this outshines most of them. The idea was something I don't think I've ever seen, and to use spraypaint and a graffiti artist with a love for nature is brilliant. The writing is good, but there were a lot of words wasted. The signing of the painting is a neat idea, but it painted you into a corner. That means we, the reader, can't see the painting taking form in life. We have to hear that it's going to be a couple days, maybe a week. I don't care about the drivers. I want to see nature reclaim the area.
Vote goes to Storyweaver
Mim - I really enjoyed the nerve-wracking situation of a driving test with culture shock, though like others, I wasn't sure why it came to an abrupt end (maybe the dead end you mentioned earlier? But then I think that needs to be clarified). My other suggestion is to put the other reactions to this driving test earlier in the piece, so that the context and stakes are established from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver - I love the concept of imagination becoming reality to reclaim places. Good pacing of suspense and reveal.
My vote is for Mim today because I identified with the MC.
A vote for storyweaver, one of my favorite pieces thus far. Very well imagined, reminded me a little of Inkheart, I can see a whole world already
ReplyDeleteThis is my comment
DeleteIMO, these were both some of the stronger pieces we've seen.
ReplyDeleteMim, I thought the narrator's voice was hilarious. The concept was also fun, but I wanted some little twist at the end to give the story the closure it deserves.
Storyweaver, this one felt fresh and magical. Although there were some cumbersome sentences here, the concept itself left me so intrigued that I have to give it my vote.
Congratulations to both writers on making it in.
ReplyDeleteMIM, I can identify with driving on European roads. Not sure how the roads in Norway compare to Germany, but I would imagine they are every bit as narrow and terrifying. I would've liked more story to this, in having more stakes and a resolution. Did the MC pass the test?
Storyweaver, you have my vote. Absolutely brilliant story.
My vote goes to MIM.
ReplyDeleteMIM -- What a fun ride you've taken us on. I enjoyed this. You get my vote.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver -- Captivating story. But it feels like there's more focus on how cool her spraycan holding backpack is than the actual magic that is occuring. Is the magic a metephor? Is it like where people were marking potholes to force the DOT to fix them rather than leave the graffiti? I really enjoyed your story, there's just more that I want to know.
MIM gets my vote for pulling in an unusual situation for a piece.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver, I really loved this concept. It's amazing. Well done. I'd love to see this represented graphically.
Wonderful!
Congrats to both for your entries. MIM's story is one most of us who have ever taken a driving test can relate to, I felt this story needed to be fleshed out a little more.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver had great descriptive writing and I could see the story come to life in my mind's eye.
My vote goes to Storyweaver.
Vote to Storyweaver.
ReplyDeleteMIM: You captured the nerves of a driving test well. The personality of the driver came through. “Barely wider than Gremlin” - that’s a visual! Overall, so fun.
Storyweaver: This is amazing. I loved the twist at the end that this image wasn’t any old inspiration; it was what the alley had once been--”memories of their former glory.” How much of the world humans have changed!
I hope this comment comes through, I'm still having trouble commenting.
ReplyDeleteMy vote this round goes to Storyweaver. Lots to like here, beautiful descriptive language and original concept being two. I hope to see this story progress in future rounds to learn more about Harriet, her world, and her power.
MIM, thanks for sharing your story, I can definitely relate! I feel as if this piece could stand alone if that is the intention, but if so, maybe a little more clarification on the ending.
Keep up the good work, both of you!
Congratulations, writers! These are great stories.
ReplyDeleteMim
Your story had a distinctive voice and POV, but the ending fell kind of flat.
Storyweaver
Great descriptions and imagery. Imaginative concept.
Love the creativity so my vote goes to Storyweaver.
Congratulations to both writers!
ReplyDeleteMIM - what a relatable situation- I took three driving tests with the same instructor- you definitely begin to invent stories and nicknames!
Storyweaver-Interesting concept - where are you headed with it?
My vote is for Storyweaver.
MIM, for the first few paragraphs I thought we were talking about a space ship nicknamed Queenie. Possibly my fault for not paying attention like I should. A second read-through cleared things up.
ReplyDeleteStoryweaver, I really loved this concept and I think it was executed well. Please tell me this is part of a larger story?
My vote is for Storyweaver.
Storyweaver: I had to read the first few lines twice to determine that she was touching a stone wall. Also the line "her lips curved up" was an expensive way of saying she smiled. When you only have 500 words, they should not be wasted. Perhaps less description of the spray paint carrier might have allowed more story regarding her magical ability.
ReplyDeleteMim: I enjoyed this story about something most people have to go through. A driving test! Brilliant. Cleverly written and amusing.
Mim gets my vote.
Both very good! Storyweaver gets my vote.
ReplyDelete