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Pre-Season Camp

Back in August, when the 105 college players all reported to their respective schools for the start of fall camps ahead of the 2009 College Football Season, I reported to my own camp as well. Making it through a fifteen game schedule, not including bowl games, without sustaining injury or mental exhaustion requires its own form of training and dedication. Being one of the veterans of the squad meant that others were going to be looking to me for the standard expected to be upheld, so my attendance and high level of performance was key this year.

The first day set the tone for what it was going to be like this year. Right off the bat they had us doing the deep knee bends, preparing us for the constant ups and downs off the couch as we celebrate touchdowns or violently protested horrible calls by a referee. Next came what seemed like an endless procession of finger pushups, leaving our hands looking like twisted nubs as we fought cramps. But we knew that our fingers were being prepared for extreme remote control operation that required both fluid and perfectly timed button sequencing to switch back and forth between games. In the advanced leagues this included the manipulation of the primary and PIP channels. Next we were subjected to a constant barrage on our posteriors by hooking us up to a machine that ran a narrow leather belt under our ass and vibrated at a rate of 100 cycles a minute. Needless to say there were quite a few accidents as some campers ignored the sign suggesting a trip to the little boy’s room before engaging. This regiment was designed to strengthen our rears to endure a 15 hour day planted on the couch in front of the television, without a break. Finally we were herded into a sound proof room in groups of four and instructed to scream as loud as we could for 15 minutes. At the end of that period we were allowed to rest for 5 minutes and then we repeated the exercise. The phrases we were instructed to scream over and over were; “HONEY, GET ME A BEER”, “HONEY, ORDER THE PIZZA”, and “HONEY, WE NEED MORE CHIPS”. The purpose of this drill was pretty obvious.

This past weekend when the season debuted, I proved that I was a lean, mean, football watching machine. I showed the younger guys what watching college football is all about, and it isn’t something you take lightly. Or else you can sit in the kitchen or quilt with the women!


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